7 Questions For: Dream Gardens Podcast Host Jody Lee Mott

Esteemed Reader, you know I love podcasts and audiobooks and I firmly believe that if you're doing dishes or working out or any number of other activities that prevent you from actually sitting down and reading a thing, you can still be taking in useful information to improve you as both a writer and a human being. Dream Gardens is one of my new favorites and I would definitely classify it as "useful." 

I've listened to every episode and I'm a guest this week as Jody and I discuss my favorite middle grade novel, The Witches by Roald Dahl. You can hear the full episode here or below at the bottom of this interview.

Here's an official description of the show: Dream Gardens is a twice monthly audio podcast interview with writers, teachers, librarians, or anyone who share a love of children’s books. In each podcast, I’ll talk to my guests about their favorite children’s book: old favorites and new discoveries; books they shared with students, their own children, or other adults who love to read; stories that have made them laugh, cry, and wonder; words that still speak to them no matter how many times they have read them.

Jody Lee Mott is a former teacher, doting husband and father, intermittently successful cook, would-be writer of and all around geek for great kids’ books. After years of futile resistance, he is engaging at last in the digital world to share his own passion for those stories written specifically for children, but which are really for anyone who still opens the pages of a book with a sense of wonder and joy.

And now Jody Lee Mott faces the 7 Questions:

Question Seven: What are your top three favorite children's books?

1. The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane by Kate DiCamillo – Not just my favorite children’s book but one of my favorite books period. Here you have a passive, prickly and self-centered china rabbit who bounces from one group of characters to another, never quite finishing their own stories, and whose big climax has Edward sitting on a shelf, collecting dust and brooding. None of it should work, but of course it all does because Kate diCamillo is just that good. A wonderful and moving book that's really about what it means to be a human being.

2. The Bromeliad Trilogy (Truckers, Diggers, Wings) by Terry Pratchett – a terrific set of books in their own right, but they were also my introduction to the fictional worlds of Mr. Pratchett, including his Discworld novels. What’s marvelous about them is how even though they are “children’s books,” they are just are smart and hilarious and insightful as any of his adult books. As it should be.

3. D’Aulaires Book of Greek Myths by Ingri d’Aulaire and Edgar Parin d’Aulaire – the first book I remember checking out of the library, and I remember it because I checked it out at least a hundred times. The stories and the illustrations fascinated me, and scared me a little too. And though I did have to return it when the due date came around, it was the first book I felt like I owned. A very special feeling I’ve never gotten over.

Question Six: What attracted you to podcasting?

Along with being a podcaster, I am an aspiring children’s book writer, and in the past few years I’d been considering a way to increase my online profile. But it was while listening to various podcasts like Grammar Girl and Brain Burps that the idea first struck me that podcasting might be fun to do, and that I might be good at it.  There was something about the performative aspects of the podcast that appealed to me as well, like the poems I read at the beginning of the podcast and my role as interviewer, while my introverted nature appreciated that I would be heard but not seen (which is why I doubt I will ever add a video component to Dream Gardens).


Question Five: What are you most hoping listeners will take away from the Dream Gardens podcast?

Two things: One, that there is a wide variety of kids’ books out there, past and present, that are worth looking into. Part of the joy of doing this, for me, is not only re-reading old favorites but having the chance to read books I either had meant to read but hadn’t got around to or to read books I might never have heard of otherwise. If nothing else, I hope the podcasts introduce new books to new readers (and any book is new, no matter how old, if it hasn’t been read yet).


And second, that children’s books are works of art worthy of serious discussion as much as any other book.  Yes, their primary audience is children, but that does not mean there is less craft involved, or that they lack depth or complexity. Children’s books, like kids themselves at times, are too often under-estimated.

Question Four: Has hosting a podcast about children's books changed your view of children's books? What have you learned from your experiences thus far?

I’m not sure it changed so much as confirmed my view that the books we read as kids shape us as readers, and sometimes even affect the paths of our careers, making us teachers or librarians or writers or even podcasters.

What I've also learned is that people who are passionate about kids’ books want to share that with others. When I first started out, I wasn’t sure if anyone would agree to do this. I mean, why should they? I was just a guy no one knew who said he had this podcast no one had heard of.  And after a year and a half of doing this, it still surprises me when people say yes, but I am grateful they do.

Question Three: What is your favorite thing about hosting the Dream Gardens podcast? What is your least favorite thing?

My favorite part of hosting is just listening to what others have to say about their favorite books. I have always felt that my role was secondary to just letting others talk about how a particular book has engaged them. And I think the enthusiasm for that book does come through in that conversation.


My least favorite part is the initial invitations I send out asking people to participate in the podcast. As I’ve mentioned, I’m an introvert, and asking complete strangers to join me in a chat goes against all my normal instincts. It is something I have to fight against every single time I do it, and I still cringe a little when I click send.

Question Two: What advice would you give to anyone looking to start their own podcast or otherwise build an online following for their creative work?

My biggest advice is to do the research before you get started. Listen to other podcasts, both to see what is out there and to get an idea of how to format your own. Then research all the pieces involved in getting started and keeping it going--and there are a lot of pieces. Sure, there are ways to get started quickly, but they usually involve giving up some control of either your podcast or its distribution. If you want to do it right, take the time to do it right. Once I decided I wanted to do a podcast, I took nearly a year of figuring things out and getting the right equipment (tip: a high-quality microphone and headphones are essential) before I posted my first podcast.  As for other online ventures, I think the same advice holds true—do your research first.

Question One: If you could have lunch with any writer, living or dead, who would it be? Why?

Robert Louis Stevenson, because he was such a good writer (I’ve always thought The Master of Ballantrae was pretty much a perfect book), a wide traveler, and an all-around interesting human being, and because I know he would have so many stories to tell I could just sit back and listen and eat my lunch.

jleemott.com

NINJA STUFF: On Using Naughty Words In Fiction

I have a confession to make, Esteemed Reader: I sometimes have a potty mouth. But don't look so smug. You do too. Sometimes we all do. And if you're insisting you really, actually don't have a potty mouth, then you're repressing yourself and would probably be better off saying a few bad words now and again to let out some steam (you can whisper them into your pillow after your nightly prayers).

I've just published the first chapter in my serial horror novel for adults, The Book of David (it's FREE to download!!!), and it's filled with filthy language. There are four more chapters to be published in the coming months and all of them contain multiple F-bombs (and many other offensive things) because The Book of David is just that kind of story.

Bad words are one of the most brilliant inventions of mankind and an essential component of human society. We all have to compromise to live together peacefully, which means we're all engaging in some form of internal repression at any given time.

For example: You tell me you accidentally broke my vintage Jack Nicholson Joker action figure motorcycle from the 1990 Toybiz line, so rare my mother had to send away for it when I was a child and I've kept it in mint condition on a shelf in my office ever since (how could you, Esteemed Reader, when I trusted you!?!). You offer a sincere apology. I repress the urge to do you bodily harm, even though it would be well-deserved Batman-style justice, and I even agree not to hold a grudge... eventually.

This is our social contract. To my face, you don't tell me how unbelievably childish it is for a grown man (and somebody's father, for Pete's sake) to put so much value in a purple piece of plastic. To your face, I don't tell you I think you're a destroyer of everything good in the world. If you value my friendship, you hop on ebay and raid some other man-child's collection to find me a replacement ASAP (can they deliver by drone!?!). And in time, the incident will be behind us and our friendship can continue more or less uninterrupted (stay away from my Joker Van, or sleep with one eye open the rest of your short life!).

All of this is made far easier by the fact that at any given time either of us can rattle off some harsh-sounding nonsense and diffuse the tension. These naughty words can be muttered or shouted, possibly at each other, and they can be moaned as I cradle the bits of my broken Joker motorcycle and my Bob-the-Goon sidecar and my dreams and wail to the heavens about the cruel futility of existence.

The nice thing about even the nastiest swear word is that it is just a word, not a stick or a stone, and I'll take someone swearing at me rather than throwing a stone any day (and would, naturally, prefer neither). The more repressive our lifestyle, the more we need forbidden words to step briefly away from the social contract. Some of the the foulest mouths I've heard have belonged to teachers and school librarians after hours as they have to keep their language stringently clean all day at school.They need those naughty words at the end of a long day.

Having "forbidden" words is essential to society. As writers, who craft entirely through words, the forbidden ones have to interest us and we cannot master language if we're afraid of any part of it.

Here is the most controversial thing I'll say this post: A writer who does not use so-called foul language, even though he wants to and his story or his characters demand it and it is crucial to the story's truthful telling, out of a fear of reader response and/or reader rejection is a coward and his words are not worth reading.

My, what a bold and uncompromising declaration that is, completely lacking in any nuance:) So let's unpack it a bit, shall we?

I believe a writer's primary function is to entertain. First, engage me as a reader and take me briefly out of myself and away from my problems. A writer's secondary and nearly-as-important function is to tell The Truth. If your story is entertaining me and I'm engaged, mission accomplished. But your story will resonate with me and make a far greater impression if you reveal to me a vision of the world that is true and changes the way I see things, if only even slightly. This is a writer's highest calling: tell The Truth.

For example, in my favorite middle grade novel, The Witches, Roald Dahl first entertains us by placing compelling characters (who have emotionally-manipulative backstories) in an incredibly tense and frightening situation. I have never been more terrified by any story I've read since as Dahl got to me young. I was a child reading my first true horror novel. I also laughed and cried and was by any definition suitably entertained and was therefore open and willing to hear The Truth Dahl also conveys: some adults are out to get you, child, and it might not end well. You are not safe, and you'd better be on your guard. There are other truths Dahl reveals, but that one's the biggie, and if you don't believe me, here's my full review of the text to convince you.

If you focus too much on telling The Truth, you run the risk of preaching a sermon and boring poor Esteemed Reader. On the other hand, it's impossible not to convey some meaning in the telling of your story (the act itself has meaning). So you should strive to reveal to your readers The Truth of the world as you see it. And you're going to have a harder time revealing that truth if you start by watching your language and presenting a false version of yourself as a storyteller and/or your characters.

On the other, other hand, we present different versions of ourselves to the different people in our lives, don't we? I don't swear around Little Ninja or other children just as I don't coo or sing baby songs when I'm talking with my adult critique partners (YA authors have horrific potty mouths). I never swear on this blog because its focus is kinda/sorta middle grade fiction, so I write posts here with the assumption that my audience will be mostly adults with the occasional young person.

Imposing the restraint on myself of not being allowed to swear forces me to be more creative in my expression. The so-called "f-bomb" can be a noun, a verb, an adverb, an adjective, and any other conceivable part of speech. Using it regularly is fun, but too easy. It's possible to use this one word for everything, and if you're not a wordsmith, feel free to wallow in such banality. But we writers need a firm command of more than one word.

There are no inappropriate words in Banneker Bones and the Giant Robot Bees as that is a story written primarily for a middle grade audience. I have since read portions of it aloud to audiences of children and their parents. I'm writing the sequel with those same audiences in mind. I made the decision early on that in Banneker's world, swear words as we know them don't exist, therefore none of the characters are repressed in their expression. They wouldn't say words they don't know.

The Banneker books are middle grade, of course, but I also write for adults. My horror novella marketed explicitly to older readers with a warning on its front, Pizza Delivery, is a story I would argue could not work without its swear words (I attempted such a draft just to be sure). That story is about an angst-ridden teenager in a very tense and violent situation and if he doesn't react accordingly, the reader will believe in neither him nor his tense situation, and the whole thing crumbles house-of-cards style, scaring no one and selling no copies of my more expensive books:)

So consider first your audience and the purpose of your story. If you're writing for children, including profanity in your prose is an odd choice and you'll need to justify its inclusion. I'm a fan of Mrs. Weasley swearing in the seventh Harry Potter novel as I think it's a wholly satisfying moment made more so by the six previous novels of characters not swearing.

But someone, somewhere was no doubt scandalized by an expletive placed in a story marketed to children. Presumably, Rowling, her editor(s), and whoever else would've been involved in the decision, weighed the costs of some readers' outrage against the immense satisfaction likely to be felt by other readers. Making such a decision is a writer's duty and if you're hoping to always make everyone who ever reads your fiction happy, you're not being realistic about the costs of artistic expression.

I like to think that so often choosing not to include profanity in my writing makes it clearer to Esteemed Reader that when I do include it, it's absolutely a considered choice intentionally made to evoke a calculated reaction.

My newest, The Book of David, has a clear warning in its description and on its first page and is being marketed toward adults. The characters in the novel have extremely filthy mouths and I can't convey The Truth of who they are if I censor their speech. It is also thematically important that the tone of the narration have a casual irrelevance to it, which is sometimes best achieved with foul language. Because the profanity is pervasive (positively profusely pervasive!), I made it my business to work in a couple f-bombs in chapter one so that the Esteemed Reader who ignored my warning on page one and in the book's description would know right away what she was getting herself into while she still had time to stop (her loss).

I don't think it's any coincidence that I've written this foul-mouthed serial at the same time Little Ninja has begun speaking and repeating everything I say. I've had to clean up my real life language, so my fiction language has had to bear that weight until my boy gets old enough to read some of the bad words I wrote at which point I'll admit that profanity is just another set of sounds he can make if he really wants to, but at home, not at school or at grandma's or anywhere his cursing might get ME in trouble:)

Swearing doesn't just put me at ease in writing, but also in reading. If I'm chatting with a friend and they casually swear it sends a signal that they trust me with their candor and are letting their hair down. The same can be said of well-used profanity in fiction as swearing can be soothing:) When Parker, the narrator of Cracked Up To Be, swears excessively, it reveals a core of her character and her approach to the world. I wouldn't believe her if she didn't swear.

Yes, Esteemed Reader, swearing is fun and should absolutely be used in fiction, but one last word of caution: profane words are spicy words, and like any spice, they can be overused. This comes back to the writer's judgement (and the council of editors they trust) as to when too much of a good thing is bad. Overused profanity not only runs the risk of diminishing impact, it can be a signal of weak writing. It's usually not the only signal, but it is easy to spot.

Intentional profanity used as one tool from the box to demonstrate the author's total command of language will always earn my respect.  If it's called for, go for it, if it feels good, do it, but be judicious, know your audience (know also that profanity use narrows that audience), and be wary of it becoming a crutch for lazy writing (and speech). 

I've said my piece (in my usual puritanically pure prose reserved for this blog), so I'll conclude with a personal anecdote: There is no swearing in my book All Together Now: A Zombie Story because: 1. It's YA, and I'm already really pushing at boundaries with the amount of violence and potentially offensive ideas within the story without giving detractors bad words as an easy target. 2. The story is told from the fixed perspective of one character who makes it clear he's editing out the story's swearing. 3. The novel is about conformity (and zombies, cause I love me some zombies), so it makes thematic sense that the language conforms.

However, when I wrote All Right Now: A Short Zombie Story, which is set in the same universe, but told from two third-person adult perspectives, it was much harder not to include the swearing I would expect to accompany an apocalypse. Since All Right Now was a novella, I was able to navigate around profanity--but it was tricky and if the story had gone on longer than it did, my efforts to not allow any characters to swear would've no doubt become obvious and tiresome. I have a bang-up idea for another zombie story, but I keep going back and fourth on whether or not I should finish it primarily because I'm not sure the story can properly be told without profanity.

I'll figure it out. Or I won't:) Either way, you should buy all my books. Good luck with your own writing, Esteemed Reader, and may your own use of language reflect your unique gift of craft.

NINJA STUFF: Winding Down for the Holidays

As you can see, Mrs. Ninja and I are shining a signal in the sky and waiting for our little crime-fighter to be born. We had the nerdiest and best baby shower ever last weekend. The theme was children's books (naturally) and the cake was a replica of the cover from James and the Giant Peach. My poor child is already a book nerd whether he wants to be or not.

Behind my son's many Bat suits (we've since received two more and multiple Batman socks and even a blanket) are the pieces of a crib I still need to put together. Little Ninja is set to arrive sometime in December and as we get closer, I have less time to write. I have no idea how much writing time I'll manage to scrounge once he's actually here, but I'm hard at work on The And Then Story 2: And Then-er, set to be released in 2015 (more on that later). As always, if I have to choose between blogging and writing, I choose writing.

I've got two more interviews in store for you and a book review. After that, I'm taking a sabbatical. I'll still drop in from time to time and you can always find me on Facebook (and occasionally twitter). I'm also continuing to write guest posts and give interviews for All Together Now: A Zombie Story. If you're missing me, you might check my promotion page to see where I am. Or you could always read my book:)

It's now in print! Opening the box containing my story in paperback was absolutely exhilarating, even if being excited about a print book is like being excited to get a horse and buggy when you've already got a car.

Honestly, I don't know what this blog will look like next year. I don't know what my life is going to look like. Fatherhood is something I'm learning as I go.

But if you still want to read this blog, Esteemed Reader, I'll still want to write it. So after Thanksgiving, the blog will be quiet for a while. You can always check the archives of past book reviews and interviews with authors, literary agents, and editors, or even my posts about writing.

And you know I'll be back. Next year I'm publishing my first middle grade book, The And Then Story (actual title to be revealed soon). But for now, that's a release that comes second. I've got something more important to focus on:)

And check out this awesome cake:

7 Questions For: Literary Agent Chris Richman

Chris Richman is an agent with Upstart Crow Literary. He received his undergraduate degree in professional writing from Elizabethtown College, and an MA in Writing from Rowan University. A former playwright, contributor to The Onion, and sketch comedy writer, Chris broke into agenting in 2008 and has quickly made a name for himself by selling several noteworthy projects. Chris is actively building his list, enjoys working with debut writers, and is primarily interested in middle grade and young adult fiction, with a special interest in books for boys, books with unforgettable characters, and fantasy that doesn't take itself too seriously.

For more information, as always, you should check out Casey McCormick's amazing blog Literary Rambles. Here is a interesting piece Chris Richman wrote about himself:

My love of books started at an early age. In the second grade I fell in love with the gross and wonderful works of Roald Dahl. On career day in third grade I carried a book and called myself an author. In the fourth grade I was sent to the principal’s office when the teacher discovered me reading Stephen King’s Pet Sematary in the back of the room.

After that first Stephen King book, I spent years reading books for adults until, in college, someone handed me the first Harry Potter and promised me it wasn’t just for kids. Within a handful of pages I was hooked.

Suddenly a new world opened up for me, a world full of wonderful books for children that I’d ignored since my own childhood. Here were books that appealed to adults, too. Lemony Snicket could take a weird old count and some orphans and make me laugh. Louis Sachar could take me to the desert so I could sweat along with the digging boys. Jerry Spinelli could introduce me to a kid everyone called Maniac and make me long for butterscotch krimpets.

It took a few years before I landed in children’s books. The opportunity to find the next big thing, the next work that will transport me to a Narnia or a Hogwarts or even to places that we’ve all visited, made it completely worth the wait. I want to work on books that inspire children like I once was inspired.

There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.

And now Chris Richman faces the 7 Questions:

Question Seven: What are your top three favorite books?

Boy oh boy. This is a nearly impossible question, as everyone has already noted. And, like everyone else, I’m going to cheat by narrowing the category. Instead of three favorite books, I’ll list my three most re-read books, since that, I feel, gives an indication of how big a place certain works have in my history as a reader. So, in no particular order, they are:

A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving. I first read this gorgeously written novel while in middle school and loved the carefully crafted plot and how everything eventually ties together, the very true coming of age feel of the story, and the mix of comedy and tragedy. One of my favorites.

I’m cheating here, too, but I’ll list J.D. Salinger’s collected stories about the Glass family, including: Franny and Zooey; Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters; Seymour: An Introduction; and a few of the tales from Nine Stories as one work. I’ve always loved Salinger’s voice, his characters, and his gift for description, and felt the stories about the Glass family surpassed the far more popular Catcher in the Rye.

Finally, The Talisman by Stephen King and Peter Straub. Like Owen Meany, I read this one as a kid, and loved that it, too, was a story for adults featuring a kid main character. I was immediately drawn into the fantasy elements—it was probably the first time I’d read a book that would now probably be categorized as urban fantasy—and I loved how it combined the real world with an alternate version. It also was just the classic version of the hero’s quest, as young Jack had to travel across the country to obtain the magic item to save his dying mother. Those stories still appeal to me, though I’ve gotten a lot pickier as I’ve gotten older.

Question Six: What are your top three favorite movies and television shows?

TV shows: The Simpsons will never be surpassed in my heart for the impact it had on me as I was growing up. For drama, I adored The Wire, and am currently completely in love with Breaking Bad and hoping it can somehow manage to remain amazing as it goes along.

Movies: I love movies. I once briefly considered a career as a film critic and have loads of favorites. However, in terms of the films I watch over and over again, my three favorites are: The Big Lebowski, Amelié, and Pulp Fiction. There are too many other fantastic films to name, but those three have all been worn out by constant viewing.

Question Five: What are the qualities of your ideal client?

Someone with a good sense of humor, a fantastic worth ethic, patience, and the burning desire to always be improving.

Question Four: What sort of project(s) would you most like to receive a query for?

I’m really in the market for classic stories that will withstand the test of time, as well as books that will genuinely make me laugh.

Question Three: What is your favorite thing about being an agent? What is your least favorite thing?

As cheesy as it sounds, my favorite thing is having a small part in making people’s dreams come true. My least favorite is having to pass on so many projects people have worked very hard to create while searching for my own specific idea of what I most desperately want to work on.

Question Two: What one bit of wisdom would you impart to an aspiring writer? (feel free to include as many other bits of wisdom as you like)

Never stop reading or writing. Continually challenge yourself. Finish something with the knowledge that you’ll come back to it when you’re ready to make it perfect. Every book is a piece of clay, not stone, and it can be reshaped into something terrific.

Question One: If you could have lunch with any writer, living or dead, who would it be? Why?

I could say Shakespeare, whom I love, or Salinger, but in terms of someone I’ve loved for my entire life, my answer would have to be Stephen King. I have very few fanboy moments, but I’d probably jump up and down like a teen at a Justin Bieber concert if I found out I had the chance to sit down with SK. I devoured his books when I was younger and I used to fantasize about writing him fan mail and somehow having the chance to talk with him. He’s sometimes dismissed in more literary circles—for example, everyone in my Master’s program pooh-poohed him for all they were worth—but I still think he’s a good writer and a fantastic storyteller.

www.upstartcrowliterary.com

Book of the Week: THE WITCHES by Roald Dahl

Happy Halloween, Esteemed Reader! I've got some great writer interviews and interviews with literary agents coming up. I'll begin posting those again as of next week and we’ll return you to your regularly scheduled ninja. But as this week is nearly over, I’m just going to push those interviews back a little longer and focus instead on a very important Book of the Week.

Why so important? The Witches by Roald Dahl is my favorite middle grade book of all time. Yes, you read that correctly, and no, I don’t consider it a slam to the other books I've reviewed. I love all middle grade books, as you know, but this is the one I read when I was in the third grade that completely seized my imagination forever and hooked me on reading for life.

If I ever answer my own 7 Questions, The Witches by Roald Dahl would be one of my top three books and Roald Dahl would probably be my choice for lunch date.

I've got a short rant for you, then we’ll get started. Recently, some smug critics have written off Dahl because a few of his books feature tinges of racism (and some full frontal racism), most notably The B.F.G. and the original version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. This is just silly.

Dahl lived in a different time and his views on all subjects do not match our current social norms. If you want to avoid reading The B.F.G. for this reason, I think you’re missing out, but I understand. But to write off the author of James and the Giant Peach, The Twits, Matilda, Fantastic Mr. Fox—the list is too long—because of a disagreement in viewpoint, even on a subject as crucial as should we discriminate, is the height of absurdity.

As we aren't going to lunch—not in this life, anyway— my relationship to Dahl is simply that of reader to writer. Yes, he said some very stupid things, but he said a lot of wise things as well and his craftsmanship is impeccable. To attempt to write middle grade fiction and to ignore studying the work of Dahl would be great folly. 

Put another way, the ancient Greeks held many viewpoints and engaged in activities I could never condone. But should I skip The Odyssey? Shall I ignore Plato and Aristotle? If Roald Dahl were moving in with my black wife and her white husband, we’d probably have to set some ground rules. As that’s not the case, I’m going to continue to study his books to soak up as much of his craft as I can and appreciate him on our common ground: a love a children’s literature.

Whew. 

Alright then. Let’s talk about The Witches. I’ve already told you it’s my favorite middle grade book of all time, so we can dispense with the review and get straight to craft. I don’t think any children’s book ever had a greater beginning than The Witches, so I’ve decided to reproduce the first page and a half in its entirety:

A Note About Witches

In fairy-tales, witches always wear silly black hats and black cloaks, and they ride on broomsticks.
But this is not a fairy-tale. This is about REAL WITCHES.
The most important thing you should know about REAL WITCHES is this. Listen very carefully. Never forget what is coming next.
REAL WITCHES dress in ordinary clothes and look very much like ordinary women. They live in ordinary houses and they work in ORDINARY JOBS.
That is why they are so hard to catch.
A REAL WITCH hates children with a red-hot sizzling hatred that is more sizzling and red-hot than any hatred you could possibly imagine.
A REAL WITCH spends all her time plotting to get rid of the children in her particular territory. Her passion is to do away with them, one by one. It is all she thinks about the whole day long. Even if she is working as a cashier in a supermarket or typing letters for a businessman or driving round in a fancy car (and she could be doing any of these things), her mind will always be plotting and scheming and churning and burning and whizzing and phizzing with murderous bloodthirsty thoughts.
"Which child," she says to herself all day long, "exactly which child shall I choose for my next squelching?"
A REAL WITCH gets the same pleasure from squelching a child as you get from eating a plateful of strawberries and thick cream.
She reckons on doing away with one child a week. Anything less than that and she becomes grumpy.
One child a week is fifty-two a year. Squish them and squiggle them and make them disappear...

...She might even--and this will make you jump--she might even be your lovely school-teacher who is reading these words to you at this very moment. Look carefully at that teacher. Perhaps she is smiling at the absurdity of such a suggestion. Don't let that put you off. It could be part of her cleverness.
I am not, of course, telling you for one second that your teacher actually is a witch. All I am saying is that she might be one. It is most unlikely. But--and here comes the big "but"--it it not impossible.

Wow, right? Just wow. I don’t know of a child whose attention this wouldn’t grab. Most young children have not consciously been introduced to conspiracy theories. They’re still learning the way the world officially works—aren’t we all—let alone how some would claim it works in secret. And yet, children are lied to on a regular basis and at some point they begin to pick up on it.

For those children, here is Roald Dahl, an adult willing to say things, metaphorically, it’s true, that reveal the world as it is within the relatively safe context of a story. Children are told that adults are nice, that public officials are just and have their best interest at heart (some do), and that they are safe. Adults tell children this because we wish it were true and we reason that they’ll have plenty of time to worry over the truth in adulthood.

But Dahl says that there are adults, who appear in many ways just like other adults, who want to harm and even murder children. And to be fair, there are. But lest we become morbid, let us focus on harm.

I had a grade school teacher who routinely separated children by class. The children from wealthy families who this teacher wanted to associate with were put into special programs and given preferential treatment. The children, like me, who were not, were made to know their place in society from an early age. This was a woman who meant to harm children, but who received several teaching awards and appeared a normal adult to other adults. My father-in-law could tell you stories about the way his white teachers treated him in Mississippi in the 1960s that would make Dahl’s witches seem harmless by comparison.

In every generation, there are these adults who are bad, and often other adults cannot see it. So long as there are children and adults, there will be this problem, and so The Witches is likely to stay relevant forever. Fortunately, Dahl gives us some clues as to how we can spot witches:

"...a REAL WITCH is certain always to be wearing gloves when you meet her...
"...Because she doesn't have finger-nails. Instead of finger-nails, she was thin curvy claws, like a cat, and she wears the gloves to hide them."


"A REAL WITCH always wears a wig to hide her baldness. She wears a first-class wig. And it is impossible to tell a really first-class wig from ordinary hair unless you give it a pull to see if it comes off... you can't go round pulling at the hair of every lady you meet, even if she is wearing gloves. Just you try it and see what happens."


"Witches have slightly larger nose-holes than ordinary people. The rim of each nose-hole is pink and curvy, like the rim of a certain kind of sea-shell... A REAL WITCH has the most amazing powers of smell.. An absolutely clean child give off the most ghastly stench to a witch... The dirtier you are, the less you smell."


"Look carefully at the eyes, because the eyes of a REAL WITCH are different from yours and mine. Look in the middle of each eye where there is normally a little black dot. If she is a witch, the black dot will keep changing colour, and you will see fire and you will see ice dancing right in the very centre of the coloured dot. It will send shivers running all over your skin."


"Witches never have toes... They have just feet... The feet have square ends with no toes on them at all."


"Their spit is blue."

To this day, I do not trust a woman in gloves. I check to see if she has a wig or if her spit is blue or if she has difficulty walking due to a lack of toes. I'm a grown man and I do this.

The main character in The Witches, who is also our narrator, is never given a name—a trick that would certainly not work in every book, but is fantastic here. He is a young boy whose parents die—of course they do, this is Roald Dahl and the man had no patience for parents—and is sent to live with his Grandmamma, a plump old bird who smokes cigars (inspired):

"Would you like a puff on my cigar?" she said.
"I'm only seven, Grandmamma."
"I don't care what age you are," she said. "You'll never catch a cold if you smoke cigars."

Grandmamma is a witch expert and tells our hero all he needs to know to spot witches and comforts him after a near witch attack. And then the story takes a seemingly unrelated turn. The two are looking forward to a vacation in Norway when Grandmamma contracts pneumonia, so they have to settle for a more subdued trip to Hotel Magnificent. It is imperative to the plot that our protagonists travel there, but why doesn't Dahl just have them head there in the first place? Wouldn't that save time? 

Perhaps, but Dahl is a master, as I've said, and he is focused on two things: character development and misdirection.

Thanks to the pneumonia subplot, we feel more for this nameless boy who has already lost his parents and now might lose his Grandmamma as well. But more important is the misdirection. Roger Ebert once said in a review of The Exorcist that the reason that film is so scary is that it does not want to be a horror movie, meaning that the characters were so well-rounded and so focused on their individual lives that even if the scary stuff never came in, they could still have a fascinating story on their own. The detective in The Exorcist was also the basis for Colombo, and he was interesting for season after season without a single possession case to investigate.

Horror doesn't work when the characters are nothing more than monster bait waiting around with no purpose except to be menaced at the appropriate time. In order to be effective, a writer must compel us to care for their characters and their situation before the monsters come.

We care about Grandmamma and her ward and their journey to The Hotel Magnificent is interesting on its own without need of any witches. They get into a scuffle with the hotel manager and the boy trains white mice for a future circus and it's interesting. Just when we would be content to read a story about a boy and his Grandmamma and their travels with a mouse circus, just when things are interesting enough on their own and the reader is comfortable and enjoying a nice story, that's when Dahl and his monsters attack.

While our hero is training his mice at the back of a ball room, hidden lest he be discovered with mice by management, the room fills up with a meeting for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. Our hero is unable to get out and so must sit through their meeting. 

And all of those in the meeting are women. 

Women wearing gloves and hats with slightly irregular nostrils. 

And do those women eventually smell our hero at the back of the room? I won’t say, but I must tell you that this sequence is the most scared I've ever been when reading a book as it was my first real brush with true horror.

And that’s where we’ll leave it. If you’re looking for a scary book to read this Halloween, this is the one for you. If you’re just looking for a great book for anytime, this is the one for you. I have one more point to make, but I’m going to finish the review here as I have to spoil the book to make it. Check back next week when we’ll discuss What Happened on Fox Street, we’ll have an interview with author Tricia Springstubb, and an interview with literary agent John Rudolph.

And now, my last point, which is filled with spoilers. If you haven’t read The Witches, stop reading now. Seriously. I’m going to ruin it. 

Okay, I warned you.

My most frequent complaint with horror fiction for kids as a kid was that much of it was condescending. The monsters weren’t really scary, they were just lonely. Or the vampire bunny sucked the juice out of veggies instead of people (I love that book, but it isn't scary). No one in those books every really got hurt, and so whatever the monster, it was an empty threat. 

And even as a child, I knew people did sometimes get hurt and to say otherwise was a lie. Not so with Dahl. He told a great truth within the lie of fiction.

The children in this story do get hurt and hurt bad. Several are murdered—in fantastical ways, sure, but still. One boy is drowned by his own father (again, under fantastical circumstances, but still). If I hadn't already talked for so long, we’d explore that event more in depth, but I believe it is one of Dahl’s sharpest critiques of parenting. 

And finally, the protagonist does not come away unscathed. If you've seen the movie version where he gets made into a real boy again, well, that’s Hollywood. But Dahl’s tale ends with him accepting his impending death within a few years. Harsh, but, but, BUT, true.

This is the point that will forever divide readers, I suppose. Some adults will think including these elements in a children’s story to be reprehensible. If I read the book for the first time now, I might even agree with them. But when I read this book as a child it endeared Dahl to me forever. Here was a writer brave enough to write the truth and I hung to his every word thereafter because adults lie, but I knew I could trust him.

I'll leave you with some videos. Most writers can only dream of inspiring this sort of enthusiasm in a reader:

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: Book of the Week is simply the best book I happened to read in a given week. There are likely other books as good or better that I just didn’t happen to read that week. Also, all reviews here will be written to highlight a book’s positive qualities. It is my policy that if I don’t have something nice to say online, I won’t say anything at all (usually). I’ll leave you to discover the negative qualities of each week’s book on your own.

Book of the Week: JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH by Roald Dahl

It’s to be another Roald Dahl classic this week, Esteemed Reader. Whoo hoo! As you know, Roald Dahl is my favorite author and James and the Giant Peach is one of my all-time favorite stories. It’s the sort of book that will convince even the Mike TV’s of the world to pause their video games and not unpause them until the book is finished. In my quest to better understand middle grade fiction (thus improving my ninja skills), I try to read as widely as possible. But I also find it useful to go back and reread the books I loved as a child with adult eyes.

James and the Giant Peach is a prime example of one of the things I love most about middle grade fiction: stories for kids can go anywhere and kids, unlike many adults, are willing to accompany the author to the previously unfathomable depths of human imagination. Who else but children could understand and love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Stephen King and William S. Burrows and many other adult writers have written a lot of out there stuff, but none of them touches the absolute insanity of James and the Giant Peach.

So here’s the plot and I swear I’m not making this up (I wish I had, though): James Henry Trotter is a nice boy sent to live with his wicked and abusive aunts after his parents are killed by an escaped rhinoceros. So far, it’s a pretty standard set up, right (Dahl hated parents)? But wait!

One day when James is in the garden he meets a wizard who just happens to be in the neighborhood. Okay, a little strange, but after all, this is children’s fiction. The wizard gives James some magic crystals (awfully nice of him), which James accidentally spills near a peach tree. The crystals enchant the tree so that it grows a peach the size of a large house.

Ninja, I hear you saying, that’s not so very weird. True, Esteemed Reader, but there is more story to come! James tunnels inside the giant peach all the way to its pit where he finds a wooden door. Inside the giant peach are giant insects who are all very happy to see James and are eager to take a voyage with him. Is that weird enough for you? No? Well the insects chew through the stem of the peach and then they and James ride it down a hill, squashing James’ wicked aunts, and into the ocean, where they sail off into the horizon.

What’s stranger than a human boy and his giant insect pals sailing the ocean inside a giant peach? I’m so glad you asked! Because what happens next is sharks attack the peach, eating away at its tasty flesh to eventually get at James and the bugs.

But not to worry. Among the giant bugs is a giant silkworm and a giant spider and they spin long strands of web and silk that James is able to use to lasso seagulls. So the answer to the original query what is stranger than a human boy and his giant insect palls sailing the ocean inside a giant peach is a human boy and his giant insect pals flying to New York in a giant peach by way of hundreds of lassoed seagulls.

Now then, I want you to imagine an adult story in which the plot I have just described to you would fit in. Say we change James to an adult. Say we even end the story by revealing that it was all a dream, something Dahl is too classy to ever do. I can’t think of an adult author who could pull this plot off. But a middle grade author? No problem.

That’s what I love most about kids. When I was a kid and I read this book, I didn't find it the least bit strange that there were giant bugs living inside the giant peach. Kids just sort of go with the flow when it comes to stories, so a writer has a great deal more leeway with the suspension of disbelief.

James and the Giant Peach is a stupendous feat of imagining, and it’s worth reading just for that. But as with all great stories, there’s a little more to this one.

Note how sad James is while living with his aunts, who call him terrible names and mistreat and abuse him. Note how he has no ideas for getting himself out of a bad spot because he has no sense of self worth.

Next, note how the giant bugs praise James for everything he does and how supportive they are of him. In that environment, James flourishes and hatches all sorts of brilliant ideas, such as flying his giant peach to New York.

There’s something to that, I think, and it may be a large part of why James and the Giant Peach has survived years and years of readers and is likely to be read for years to come.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: Book of the Week is simply the best book I happened to read in a given week. There are likely other books as good or better that I just didn’t happen to read that week. Also, all reviews here will be written to highlight a book’s positive qualities. It is my policy that if I don’t have something nice to say online, I won’t say anything at all (usually). I’ll leave you to discover the negative qualities of each week’s book on your own. 

Book of the Week: CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY by Roald Dahl

This book is a classic and I was thrilled to read it again this week. When I’m working on a middle grade project, I like to spice up my reading with both new books and books I loved from my childhood. Roald Dahl was/is my favorite author (him and Stephen King), and I figure when I’m seeking inspiration I could do a lot worse. For that reason, expect plenty more of Dahl’s books to be my Book of the Week.

I’m not going to bother with a summary of this book. If you’re reading a blog about middle grade novels, I’ll assume you’re familiar with the basic story of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. That’s one of the reasons I chose to reread the book now. Its story is so well known to me I can all but ignore it and focus my attention on Dahl’s craftsmanship. I know that Charlie is a character we’re hoping will find a golden ticket and get to tour the chocolate factory, but why do we hope this? How does Dahl convince us to care about Charlie and his lack of a chocolate factory tour?

What I learned this time through is that Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is actually a horror story for children. Seriously. How else is one to explain the chapter in which a little girl is attacked by an army of squirrels in what has to be one of the creepiest scenes in all of middle grade and adult fiction?

And after all, Roald Dahl wrote a great deal of horror for adults (another reason I love him). When I read this book as a child, I hadn't spent any time watching, reading, or writing horror, so I never picked up on it before. Reading the book again as an adult, I have now written a fair amount of horror and I know it when I see it.

Willy Wonka is a scary dude. So get this: he invites 5 children to tour his chocolate factory, then disposes of one child after another until he is left with one child (innocent and pure like the best teenage virgin horror heroines) who is rewarded with survival and a chocolate factory.

Note to any screenwriters reading this blog: you could totally adapt this plot to a teen scream fest. Imagine five teenagers go someplace creepy, like say, an old factory, and a maniac kills the ones who have sex, who do drugs, who drink, who pollute the environment (it’s your morality play, pick your vices), until there is only the one virgin left who defeats the maniac or reaches a compromise and gets to live happily ever after because he/she is a virgin.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is the same story, only instead of doing drugs or having sex, the sinners in this tale watch too much television, chew too much gum, eat too much food, and are spoiled to the point of being a “bad nut.” If you don’t believe me, reread the rhymes spoken by the oompa loompas who serve mainly as a Greek chorus, and are pleased when each sinner has been disposed of.

Willy Wonka accidentally-on-purpose puts each of these terrible children in a situation where their own vice is turned against them, sort of like Kevin Spacey's character in Se7en, but for kids! If I were Charlie, by the end of that tour I would be screaming my head off in terror, worried about how Willy Wonka was going to blow me up into a blueberry, shrink me to the size of cockroach, let me get sucked into a pipe, or sick an army of squirrels on me (just thinking about it sends a shiver up my spine).

Don’t get me wrong. Knowing that Dahl wrote a horror story for children almost as scary as The Witches only makes me love him more. Part of the appeal of the horror story is that the reader is able to see characters get what they deserve. If a person is a jerk in a horror story, the reader can look forward to seeing that character get what’s coming to him. Children have to deal with jerks just as surely as adults do. I think part of the reason I loved this story as a child is because it was fun to see the bad kids punished.

The last observation I want to make is just how skilled Dahl is at moving a story. He conveys settings and actions through dialogue, thus saving space and increasing his pace. He jump cuts frequently and isn't afraid to have characters state their motivations so long as they do it in a funny or clever fashion. Roald Dahl moves his stories along so fast he could have written War and Peace in about 150 pages or so and you wouldn't notice anything missing from the original.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: Book of the Week is simply the best book I happened to read in a given week. There are likely other books as good or better that I just didn’t happen to read that week. Also, all reviews here will be written to highlight a book’s positive qualities. It is my policy that if I don’t have something nice to say online, I won’t say anything at all (usually). I’ll leave you to discover the negative qualities of each week’s book on your own.